Voices that seem a million miles removed ransack
My mind like hungry scavengers
All the while seeming to be but a dream.
Overwhelm rises but doesn’t quite reach the brink of my eyelids.
No tears can carry the sadness
Or sharp words the anger swelling through my arms,
Causing an all-familiar ache and feeling of falling.
Everything within wanting, waiting, writhing
While my body sits frozen, my eyes fain brightness, my mouth forces a smile.
The disassociation takes me back
To days when I needed to convince everyone
–even me–
That I was a good big sister.
The little girl can see her now, thirty-four and a professional
At the pretense of presence
The pretending people cannot push me too far.
I wonder how long I can keep this up,
How long I’ll need to convince everyone
–even me–
That I’m a good leader.
It’s not always like this.
Sometimes I thrive as I lead,
Grounded and growing, laughing and leading a song of joy.
But sometimes I catch my heart deep acting,
My brain dysregulated by a slurry of lies about my identity.
“Good leader, good leader, good leader”
Something deep in my being yells at my heart,
And I succumb to the lies, convincing everyone
–even me–
That they are truth.
My heart searches for escape but by grace
Finds resurrection.
A message moored to the Rock of Ages
Whom waves woo me to kiss and hide,
Held and tempered from the storm of my past.
The Most Resilient Leader looks at my frame
Soaked, cold, stiff, weeping.
My eyes plead with Him to notice my accomplishments,
To convinced everyone
–even me–
That I’m a good leader.
He smiles and by one look at His face
I know He’s not going to say what I want.
My eyes are cast down on the waves again.
Disappointed and despairing of ever returning to joy,
I take a shuttering breath and reconsider quitting.
Escaping by running from the pressure.
But God.
I feel Him lifting my chin, inviting me to look in His face again.
I’m not sure if I want to accept
His invitation to reorient.
Then the wind catches His words,
Rushing through the storm and into my soul
Warming and thawing me.
“Beloved.” He says. “Beloved, beloved, beloved.
You don’t need to convince everyone
–even Me–
That You are a good leader.
No longer do you simply do the actions to prove “good.”
Your identity is secure and grounded
In My character and everlasting arms.
Whether you lead or follow, work or rest,
You are mine.
You can be.
You are loved.
Beloved forever.”
