Beloved

Voices that seem a million miles removed ransack

My mind like hungry scavengers 

All the while seeming to be but a dream. 

Overwhelm rises but doesn’t quite reach the brink of my eyelids.

No tears can carry the sadness 

Or sharp words the anger swelling through my arms,

Causing an all-familiar ache and feeling of falling. 

Everything within wanting, waiting, writhing 

While my body sits frozen, my eyes fain brightness, my mouth forces a smile. 

The disassociation takes me back 

To days when I needed to convince everyone

–even me–

That I was a good big sister. 

The little girl can see her now, thirty-four and a professional

At the pretense of presence

The pretending people cannot push me too far. 

I wonder how long I can keep this up,

How long I’ll need to convince everyone

–even me–

That I’m a good leader. 

It’s not always like this.

Sometimes I thrive as I lead,

Grounded and growing, laughing and leading a song of joy.

But sometimes I catch my heart deep acting, 

My brain dysregulated by a slurry of lies about my identity. 

“Good leader, good leader, good leader” 

Something deep in my being yells at my heart,

And I succumb to the lies, convincing everyone

–even me–

That they are truth. 

My heart searches for escape but by grace

Finds resurrection. 

A message moored to the Rock of Ages

Whom waves woo me to kiss and hide,

Held and tempered from the storm of my past. 

The Most Resilient Leader looks at my frame

Soaked, cold, stiff, weeping. 

My eyes plead with Him to notice my accomplishments, 

To convinced everyone

–even me–

That I’m a good leader. 

He smiles and by one look at His face

I know He’s not going to say what I want.

My eyes are cast down on the waves again.

Disappointed and despairing of ever returning to joy,

I take a shuttering breath and reconsider quitting. 

Escaping by running from the pressure. 

But God. 

I feel Him lifting my chin, inviting me to look in His face again.

I’m not sure if I want to accept

His invitation to reorient. 

Then the wind catches His words,

Rushing through the storm and into my soul 

Warming and thawing me. 

“Beloved.” He says. “Beloved, beloved, beloved.

You don’t need to convince everyone 

–even Me–

That You are a good leader.

No longer do you simply do the actions to prove “good.” 

Your identity is secure and grounded

In My character and everlasting arms.

Whether you lead or follow, work or rest,

You are mine.

You can be.

You are loved.

Beloved forever.”

Important

He sat writing,

Penning word after word again.

It seemed that every time I saw Him

Over and over in my dreams

He sat there, papers scattered 

Around Him in reams.

I could not help but wonder

What words lay under

His pen.

 What did He consider so 

Important?

I sat copying

The Words of Abba into my journal

Combating my discouragement with His paternal

Promises of peace and hope

That say nothing is outside the scope 

Of His watchful eye.

When I cry--

According to Psalm 56--

He makes a list;

Not one tear is missed.

He sat smiling.

Looking up from His writing, He turned to me,

Whispering, "Come here, my child, and see."

It was then I knew

What He found so 

Important.

I stood crying

Viewing trillions of pages:

The record of tears over the ages,

The ledger of Adam and Moses and Sarah,

And everyone thereafter to this very era.

And not only the tears but every heartache

Found it's way on the page with a time and a date,

Proving Psalm 56:8.

He sat writing,

As I observed the proof of His faithfulness.

And when I turned to look into His eyes

I realized

He was marking down those tears, also.

Those tears that overflowed

As I thanked Him for love so unrestrained

That He could consider me and my pain

So Important.

"You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book." (Psalm 56:8)

Prayer to the God of Providence...

O God, You are my God,
And I come to You seeking.
My thirsty soul is longing
And my parched lips are speaking.
There's chaos all around me
When I try to find my life.
As I seek wisdom from counselors,
I meet only with strife.
I want to see Your heart, Lord
And follow all You would!
I know the hand of Providence
Brings both calamity and good,
Because of this, I worship
And lift my hands in praise.
Blessed be Your name, O Lord!
No matter the questions raised
By my human heart. I can rest
In the work of Christ. I know
Grace grows best in winter,
But mercy will melt the snow.
If saints like David, Daniel,
Or Ruth could trust Your name
Without the revelation of
Hope when Jesus came,
Then how can I--saved by grace
Through faith--go down to defeat?
For my God, You're in control
And in You, I am complete.

Safe in the Tower

In the midst of all this chaos,
My life is still devoid
Of adventure, substance, meaning;
Fleeting pleasures I've enjoyed.
But God, inside my soul,
There's a hunger, there's a thirst
To know Your very Essence
And to in You be immersed.
Will You make Your name my Tower?
Great I AM, Abundant Life,
Will You make my living rife?
LORD,
Show me Your glory!
Oh, Eternal Present Tense--
I AM--Live in me,
And be my one Defense.

In the midst of all this chaos,
For so many things I cry.
I'm in need of Your provision,
Long to hear Your calm reply.
And God, inside my soul,
There's worry, many fears.
Will you show me Your supply
That never disappears?
Will You make Your name my Tower?
Jehovah Jireh, My supplier
Will you hear of my desire?
LORD,
Show me Your glory!
Let me see Your face!
Omniscient One, be
My one Hiding Place.

In the midst of all this chaos
Is a battleground--my mind.
And I'm failing in the conflict,
One action at the time.
But God, inside my soul,
There's a longing to be free,
To know Your healing power
And to beat the enemy.
Will You make Your name my Tower?
Will You, LORD my Banner,
Show me triumph's manner?
LORD,
Show me Your glory!
Trials will end in jubilation.
Jehovah Nessi--Move in me
And be my Preservation.

In the midst of all this chaos,
I see my needs increase.
I'm tired and I'm struggling
And I long so much for peace.
And God, inside my soul,
There's no hope, no way to turn.
Will you show me Your full Presence?
May I of Your friendship learn?
Will You make Your name my Tower?
LORD of Lords and Prince of Peace.
Will you make each striving cease?
LORD,
Show me Your glory!
Peace and Pain juxtapose.
Jehovah Salom--Rest in me,
And be my Repose.

So many other names You have;
Unveiling You has just begun.
But may each name be the Tower
To which I quickly run.
A shelter from the struggle,
I'll find in Your embrace
Each time I reach the tower
I will be in You--safe.


"The name of the LORD is a strong Tower; the righteous man runs to it and is safe." (Proverbs 18:10)

Myrrh

for Ariel and Rosie G., who first coined my nickname

Myrrh--
Bitter to the taste.
Hard brown stems
On small, scrubby bushes.
Not fit to give the King of Kings.

My heart--
Bitter with the flavor of sin.
Hard, cold, heavy.
Hypocrisy at its finest.
Not fit to give the King of Kings.

Myrrh--
Fragrant and Beautiful
When cut, broken, or crushed.
Perfect to be
That gift brought to Jesus.

My heart--
Fragrant and Beautiful
When cut, broken, or crushed
By conviction;
I brought it to Jesus.

He turned the bitterness
Into Joy
As I chose to forgive those who hurt me.
Songs flowed out as my heart
Shed Grace's fragrance.
Healing.
Peace.

Running After Me

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty...For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler.... For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways...Because he holds fast to Me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows My name. When he calls to Me, I will answer him;   I will be with him in trouble;   I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him My salvation." (Ps. 91:1, 3-4,11,14-15)

So many times in my life, I realize that I am operating out of a works-based lifestyle--doing devotions vs. being in my Savior's presence.  Tonight I was reminded that I have a bad habit of taking even the things that are supposed to be part of the essence of grace and make them works.  Like resting.

Instead of simply resting in His presence, I make the whole resting idea out to be a process. If I can just find the rest, my actions say. I treat resting as if I'm hunting dry firewood in a forest that just underwent a hurricane. As if it were a nearly impossible task, I seek rest as if it were way out of reach and something I have to work at.

Psalm 91 is about God being our refuge. On the surface it is a beautiful depiction and an encouraging word for believers.  But digging deeper into the syntax of the sentences yields a freeing truth. (I know, this is where all my non-English major friends tune me out... but hang in there.=)  In grammar class, Dr. Stavick has been encouraging us to notice the use of pronouns both in comparison to the percentage of nouns and in analysis of the meaning of a text.  When I was reading through this, I particularly noticed how much focus was put on God and what He is doing.  Most of the chapter, we are the direct objects--the action is being performed upon us.  This is the opposite of my hunting for rest idea.  I am not the subject of most of these verses.  God is the subject, and He is performing the action.  He is delivering, protecting, covering, commanding, guarding, answering, rescuing, honoring, satisfying, and showing; all the difficult actions are His.  I am only dwelling, abiding, finding Him faithful, holding fast, knowing His name, and calling on Him.  None of the actions I am performing here require me to be running about.

All this time I've been running after refuge, Refuge has been running after me.

This is His Story

The Author picks up the pen
And pauses.
Must He write the horrible words
Of pain?
Of suffering?

Must He chronicle the tears,
The broken road?
Must He foreshadow
The shadows of death?

Must He pen cries
Of fear
And want?
Must He chant
Mournful songs
Through the mouths of His characters?

The Author picks up His pen
And begins.
Yes,
He writes the painful stories.
The parts of the work that some might consider
Bad.

But He pens the story
In His beautiful script,
Knowingly.

He smiles.
He's aware

That without the bad
The story’s for naught.
How can the reader sense
Dramatic need
If all is well?

The Author picks up His pen
And writes.
Stories both good and bad.
For the story is
All
About contrast.

For how can good
Be good
Without bad?

The Author picks up His pen
And smiles.
His characters relax.

He may put them through times of sorrow
Of disappointment,
Of grief.
But He is still
The Author of their incredible story.
Blending joy and peace
Into a perfect plot.

A plot
Where both good and bad
Fade into good
Because of His loving touch.

The Author picks up His pen
With authority.
This is His story
All is well.

He Covers Me

He Covers Me

The battle's on
The bullets fly.
I hear the wounded's
Desperate cry.
I trust.
I pray.
I know.
I see.
Jesus Christ,
He covers me.

He aims, so sure,
At Pain and Fear.
Only lets them shoot
To drive me near.
I run
Toward Him.
I hide.
I flee.
Jesus Christ,
He covers me.

Though some may wound me,
Close beside,
Yes, even in me
He abides!
I heal.
I seek
His face,
His peace.
Jesus Christ,
He covers me.

I cannot help but joy
For He
From my pain
Sets me free!
I sing.
I rest.
I simply
BE.
Jesus Christ,
He covers me.

Nothing but Peace

Nothing but Peace

A bush, a tree, a lie, a wall,
Anything to hide behind.
Anything, anything,
Distract my mind.

In my path
Directly
Painful things.
Why God?

"To bring you peace.

For painful things,
My child,
With the stamp of My approval
Are good.

Look and see--

You with Dove's Eyes
Look and see!
What I've created
Is good!"

No bush, no tree, no lie, no wall,
Nothing to hide behind.
Nothing, nothing,
But peaceful mind.

Thou Knowest What is in the Dark

Thou knowest what is in the dark
Unknown in known to Thee.
Thus I will trust that you will do
The very best for me.
For Lord, the unknown lies ahead
The path is dark and gray.
I know not what the future holds
Within the coming days.
But this I know: Thou knowest all
The dark is glorious light.
So I will follow, grasp Thy hand
And walk by faith, not sight.


Based on Daniel 2:22
Copyright Miriam Rainwater, April 8, 2008
All rights reserved.

Lift Up Thy Countanence

Lord, many say there is none by to help me
While others claim that me Thou dost not know
But Thou art mine, and none is like unto Thee
O Lord I plead, Thy face unto me show.

Chorus:
Lord lift Thou up Thy countenance to shine
Upon Thy people bought by Thee.
O keep us now, Lord make us holy Thine.
Lord, give us peace, we hope in Thee.

Opt. Tune: How Great Thou Art
Based on Psalm 4:6
Copyright Miriam Rainwater, April 4, 2008
All rights reserved.

There Ariseth Light

There ariseth light in the darkness
To them who walk upright
The Lord shall fix their hearts
By faith walk they, not sight.
Trusting the Lord, they shall not be
Moved from their way.
Fearing not men or tidings
Of the evil day.
There ariseth light in the darkness
Gracious, compassionate, he.
The light in the darkness is Jesus,
And He shall walk with me.

Based on Psalm 112:4, 6-8
Copyright Miriam Rainwater, February 23, 2008
All rights reserved.

Stand Fast

For Rosie, to whom those words have extra meaning, with a hug

When Satan sends His heavy blast;
Stand Fast.
You feel temptation’s urging grasp;
Stand Fast.
When stormy winds whip your ship’s mast;
Stand Fast.
When Satan digs up sins of past;
Stand Fast.
When you fear life’s sea so vast;
Stand Fast.
Everything on Jesus cast -
Great Redeemer, First and Last -
Him for strength and vict’ry ask;
Stand Fast.

Based on I Corinthians 16:13
Copyright Miriam Rainwater, February 21, 2008
All rights reserved.

Jesus - Hope So Sure and Strong

Through the storms of doubt assail
I have hope within the Veil.
Sure and Steadfast, without fail,
Hope of death, joy of life – Jesus Christ.
Chorus

Chorus:
Jesus – Hope so Sure and Strong
Steadfast through the danger long,
Through the darkness my Sweet Song,
Lord to Thee, alone, I belong.

Thou the Anchor of my soul
Through the sea is in turmoil.
By Thee, I’ll walk Heaven’s soil.
Future Rock, Hold of Past – First and Last.
Chorus

Through the mountains, thou my Guide
Keep me safely by Thy side.
In me, I in Thee, abide.
Joyous Stroll, Peaceful Climb – Thou art Mine!
Chorus



Based on Hebrews 6:17-20
Copyright Miriam Rainwater, February 6, 2008
All rights reserved.
Opt. Tune: Just a Closer Walk with Thee

One Word of Thine

One word of Thine can calm my fearing soul,
Thou whisperest “Peace”; I cannot be dismayed.
For Thine Assurance over me still rolls
And on Thy Rock I am secure and stayed.
One word of Thine can calm each doubt and fear,
Thou whisperest “Peace”; I know that Thou art near.

One word of Thine can bring my wand’ring heart
Back to the fold where Thou in patience waits.
Thou whisperest “Grace”; and sets my soul apart
Thy full forgiveness is the diff’ring trait.
One word of Thine can bring me back to Thee.
Thou whisperest “Grace”; from sin I now am free.

One word of Thine can grasp my shaking hand.
Thou whisperest “Come”; walkest the road with me.
Thy word hath promised perfect is Thy plan
Therefore I follow, holding tight to Thee.
One word of Thine can lead me through the night.
Thou whisperest “Come”; I press toward Heaven’s light.

One word of Thine can lead my unsure feet.
Thou whisperest “Trust”, in faith I step ahead.
Through mountains, valleys, everywhere is sweet
Where Jesus is. By Him my soul is fed.
One word of Thine can guide me all the way
Thou whisperest “Trust”; Thou art my strength and stay.

One word of Thine, nay, six I long to hear:
“Well done, my child!” and these two: “Welcome home!”
So toward the mark I press, I persevere.
That I might bring Thee glory, Thou alone!
One word of Thine I’ll hear with earth behind
When Thou wilt whisper “Joy”; Lord, I am Thine!



Copyright Miriam Rainwater, January 15, 2008
All rights reserved.
Opt. Tune: Be Still My Soul

Secure in Hope

Because there is hope in Christ
Thou shalt be secure.
For Christ’s promises are true.
Of this one thing be sure:
He will always be with you,
He will not leave you, e’er.
Because there is hope, on Jesus
Cast your care.

Chorus:
Thou art secure
Thou art secure
Because there is hope in Christ
Thou art secure.
Thou art secure,
Thou art secure.
Because there is hope in Christ
Thou art secure.
(On last stanza use “I am secure”)

Jesus promised, ”I will send
My Comforter to you.
He will live within your heart,
Teach you My will to do.
As you do My will, My plan,
Seeking to find My way.
You will see, My Child, I guide you,
All the way.
Chorus

When with thunder roaring low
When as the raindrops fall.
When I’m struggling within,
I hear my Father call:
My dear Child, though light and ray,
Storm clouds and rain obscure
Trust in Me and do not fear,
Thou art secure!”

I will run the race with faith,
Press on toward heaven’s plain.
Eternally safe am I
Whether in sun or rain.
Christ, my Savoir walks with me,
He will not let me go.
Of all things in life, this thing,
Yea, this I know:



Copyright Miriam Rainwater, June 16, 2007
All rights reserved.
Opt. tune: Love Lifted Me

Nothing, no Nothing

I am persuaded, yea, this I know:
Jesus is with me where ever I go.
Since He has washed me in Calv’ry’s flow
I have the vict’ry o’er all of my foes.

Chorus:
Nothing, no nothing, shall separate me
From Jesus Christ and His love full and free.
Safe in His love and secured by His grace.
Through Him, I conquer whatever I face.

I am persuaded, as in Him I hide
Trusting in Jesus to lead me and guide:
Whate’er befall me, still He is beside;
As He in me and I in Him abide.

I am persuaded, this promise I claim
Through the full power of Jesus’ name:
Though still I fail, He is always the same –
Still He forgives me and takes all my shame.

I am persuaded, not depth and not height,
Not tribulations, distress, death or life,
No other creature, no matter the might,
Ever shall hide me from my Savior’s sight.



Opt. tune: Moment by Moment
Based on Rom. 8:35-39
Copyright Miriam Rainwater, March 11, 2007
All rights reserved.

In the Secret of Thy Presence

In the secret of Thy presence Thou hast hid me.
How great Thy goodness unto me!
In the secret places Thou hast kept me safely
Thou hast heard me when I’ve cried to Thee.
Make Thy face to shine upon Thy servant.
Lead and guide me with the Shepherd’s rod.
For in Thee I’ve put my all, my being,
And my trust; I’ve said, “Thou art my God.”

In the secret of Thy presence Thou hast hid me.
I will trust in the covert of Thy wings.
I rejoice, I am glad in all Thy mercies
Of Thy name forever will I sing.
When my heart is overwhelmed within me
Lead me to the Rock higher than I.
Thou hast been my Shelter and my Tower,
My Fortress, to which I quickly fly.

In the secret of Thy presence Thou hast hid me.
In Thy shadow, Lord Almighty, I abide.
I shall not be afraid of tens of thousands
For I know Thou art always by my side.
Thou, the Lord, preserveth me from evil
Encompassing me by night and day.
In the secret of Thy presence Thou hast hid me
Satisfied, forever here I’ll stay.


Based on Psalm 31, 61, 91, 121
Copyright Miriam Rainwater, February 10, 2007
All rights reserved.
Opt. tune: Day by Day

With Songs of Deliverance

With songs of deliv’rance my Savior compasses
My soul round about in His mercy and grace.
My Strength in the battle I shall have the victory
When He is my Rock and my Hiding Place.

With songs of sure vict’ry His Spirit doth strengthen
My heart in the trouble, He hears ev’ry cry.
Though Satan would tempt me, I call unto Jesus
My Tower of Refuge, my Fortress in nigh.

With songs of assurance, my Comfort doth help me.
Why should I fear with my Jesus beside?
I shall not fear what men shall do unto me
Still I will trust Him to lead me and guide.

With songs of forgiveness, my Jesus doth cleanse me,
When I acknowledge my sin unto Him.
He breaks down each stronghold if I would but ask Him,
Renews me to serve Him in truth once again.

With songs of His blessing He teaches me daily
Instructing therein in the paths of His choice.
I trust in His holiness and wait for direction
Glad in His presence, my heart shall rejoice.

With songs of deliv’rance, my Savior compasses
My life round about. He is all that I need.
The vict’ry is sure for it was won on Calvary
In Him I am free, yes free, free, indeed!

Psalm 32: 8
Copyright Miriam Rainwater, September 13, 2006
All rights reserved.

O Lord, Your Assurance

O Lord, Your assurance, Your peace, they are sweet;
I come with my trouble and lay at Your feet.
For You are my Comfort in sorrow and pain
My strength in my trouble, my heart You sustain.

O Lord, Your rich blessings are mine through the Lamb
For I am a child of the King, the I AM.
My Savoir, I love You; O teach me and guide.
O Jesus, I plead that You stay by my side.

O Lord, Your strong promise resounds in my soul
As all of my life I yield to Your control:
“Child, I will not leave you, but close by your side,
I’ll lead you in truth and within you abide.”


Copyright Miriam Rainwater, August 8, 2006
All rights reserved.